urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:insekure1 insekure1 insekure1 2007-03-15T16:19:04Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:insekure1:3570 2007-03-15T16:19:04Z 2007-03-15T16:19:04Z okay. it's like 3am and i cannot sleep even though i got virtually no sleep yesterday.&nbsp;i'm not on any drugs -- not even pharmaceuticals. the room is bright, bright, bright. so much to do tomorrow, and a flight to catch&nbsp;to perth&nbsp;the next day (to be working as a skimpy barmaid&nbsp;getting shipped around to&nbsp;country towns with a company, thousands to be earnt by tips from miners who haven't seen girls in months). all this commotion and lack of real direction : it scares me, but i'm accelerating and close to take-off. there's no stopping it.<br />i'll be laughing like a maniac soon.<br />i know that flutter in my chest. i know when i drink and it doesn't slow me down or knock me out or make me cry. i know it's starting again... the etheral, light darkness, mania i create and chase, time to time.<br /><br />i will write letters to all my friends here, all the friends who aren't really friends, all the people who didn't bother seeing me when i came back home to visit. i will send them thoughtful tokens of love from all over the world. i will create my path, it will burn like a fucking flame. it will dazzle. the roads will be lined with psychedelic trees that bend down and brush my shoulders lovingly with their branches.&nbsp;it'll be hard, it'll be drenched in tears, but not drowned in them.<br />i won't break.<br /><br />and it won't be fake. my love and light will not be a mask. somehow,&nbsp;SOMEHOW goddammit -- somehow i'll get back in touch with the world, somehow i'll find the heart i've lost. the heart that was replaced by an ominous thing called NEED.<br /><br />although i&nbsp;should be posting in a bipolar community (yet to figure out what the fuck is up with me, borderline pd is something i can DEEPLY DEEPLY&nbsp;relate to, and i think i'm bipolar II, and this is the start of another hypomanic episode, if we are to bore ourselves with clinical terminology) -- i don't know, i watch this site time to time, rarely post, and see a lot a lot a lot of sadness, for obvious reasons. i just thought i'd cut a break and put a token happy post in. plus i'd rather not lie in bed and think crazy hypomanic thoughts for hours, or go on a walk and work myself into an excitable state now. i am caressing my smiles and shaping them this time, instead of expending all the energy they give me until i have none, again and again, the cycles getting shorter all the time.<br /><br />might be crying tomorrow. who knows. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:insekure1:2733 2007-02-17T14:44:39Z 2007-02-17T14:44:39Z i wish i had a river i could skate away on. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:insekure1:2075 2006-08-10T16:58:06Z 2006-08-10T16:58:06Z Suck and suck. Suckin up all you can suckin up all you can suck.<br />working up under my patience like a little tick<br />fat little parasite<br />suck me dry<br /><br /><em>my blood is bruised and borrowed, <strong>you thieving bastards</strong> <br />you have turned my blood cold and bitter, <br />beat my compassion black and blue.</em><br /><br />Hope this is what you wanted<br />Hope this is what you had in mind<br />Cuz this is what you're getting<br />I hope you're choking, I hope you choke on this<br />I hope you're choking, I hope you choke on this<br /><br />taken all you can taken all you can, <br />got nothing left to give to you<br /><em>Blood suckin parasitic little blood suckin parasitic little<br />blood suckin parasitic little tick<br />Take what you want and then you GO</em><br /><br />Is this what you wanted?<br />Is this what you had in mind?<br />Is this what you wanted?<br />cuz this this is what you're getting<br />I HOPE YOU CHOKE<br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:insekure1:818 2006-07-29T10:19:30Z 2006-07-29T10:19:30Z <font color="#800080"><font size="5">FRIENDS ONLY</font></font>