okay. it's like 3am and i cannot sleep even though i got virtually no sleep yesterday. i'm not on any drugs -- not even pharmaceuticals. the room is bright, bright, bright. so much to do tomorrow, and a flight to catch to perth the next day (to be working as a skimpy barmaid getting shipped around to country towns with a company, thousands to be earnt by tips from miners who haven't seen girls in months). all this commotion and lack of real direction : it scares me, but i'm accelerating and close to take-off. there's no stopping it.
i'll be laughing like a maniac soon.
i know that flutter in my chest. i know when i drink and it doesn't slow me down or knock me out or make me cry. i know it's starting again... the etheral, light darkness, mania i create and chase, time to time.

i will write letters to all my friends here, all the friends who aren't really friends, all the people who didn't bother seeing me when i came back home to visit. i will send them thoughtful tokens of love from all over the world. i will create my path, it will burn like a fucking flame. it will dazzle. the roads will be lined with psychedelic trees that bend down and brush my shoulders lovingly with their branches. it'll be hard, it'll be drenched in tears, but not drowned in them.
i won't break.

and it won't be fake. my love and light will not be a mask. somehow, SOMEHOW goddammit -- somehow i'll get back in touch with the world, somehow i'll find the heart i've lost. the heart that was replaced by an ominous thing called NEED.

although i should be posting in a bipolar community (yet to figure out what the fuck is up with me, borderline pd is something i can DEEPLY DEEPLY relate to, and i think i'm bipolar II, and this is the start of another hypomanic episode, if we are to bore ourselves with clinical terminology) -- i don't know, i watch this site time to time, rarely post, and see a lot a lot a lot of sadness, for obvious reasons. i just thought i'd cut a break and put a token happy post in. plus i'd rather not lie in bed and think crazy hypomanic thoughts for hours, or go on a walk and work myself into an excitable state now. i am caressing my smiles and shaping them this time, instead of expending all the energy they give me until i have none, again and again, the cycles getting shorter all the time.

might be crying tomorrow. who knows.

i wish i had a river i could skate away on.

Suck and suck. Suckin up all you can suckin up all you can suck.
working up under my patience like a little tick
fat little parasite
suck me dry

my blood is bruised and borrowed, you thieving bastards
you have turned my blood cold and bitter,
beat my compassion black and blue.

Hope this is what you wanted
Hope this is what you had in mind
Cuz this is what you're getting
I hope you're choking, I hope you choke on this
I hope you're choking, I hope you choke on this

taken all you can taken all you can,
got nothing left to give to you
Blood suckin parasitic little blood suckin parasitic little
blood suckin parasitic little tick
Take what you want and then you GO

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you had in mind?
Is this what you wanted?
cuz this this is what you're getting
I HOPE YOU CHOKE

FRIENDS ONLY